Ani Canon

DISC ONE

 

fire door 

 

i opened the fire door to four lips

none of which were mine

kissing

tightened my belt around my hips

where your hands are missing

stepped out in the cold, collar high

under the slate grey sky

the air was smoking and the streets were dry

and i wasn’t joking when i said goodbye

passed magazine quality men talking on the corner

french no less much less of them than us

so why do i feel like something’s been rearranged

taken out of context

i must seem so strange

killed a cockroach so big

it left a puddle of puss on my wall

you know when you and i are lying in bed

you don’t seem so tall

and i’m singing now

because my tear ducts are too tired

my mind is disconnected

but my heart is wired

i make such a good statistic someone should

study me now

somebody’s gotta be interested in how i feel

just cuz i’m here and i’m real

oh how i miss

substituting the conclusion to a confrontation

with a kiss and

oh how i miss

walking up to the edge and jumping in

like i could feel the future on your skin

none of which were mine

i opened the fire door

god’s country

 

state trooper thinks i drive too fast

pulled me over to tell me so

i say out here on the prairie

any speed is too slow

i miss brooklyn i miss my crew

let’s start over i missed my cue

guess i forgot who i was talking to

i should have recognized

that fierce look in his eyes

i’ve seen it in my mirror

so many times

he’s gonna put his two cents in

‘cause he’s got a gun

but i’m gonna put in three

‘cause history owes me one

guess i came out here

to see some stuff

for myself

i mean why leave the telling

up to everybody else

this may be god’s country

but this is my country too

move over mr. holiness

let the little people thru

thank you

for serving and protecting

the likes of me

thanks for the ticket

now can i leave

you know i have left

everywhere that i have ever been

i don’t really recommend it though

not like anybody asked me

maybe you and i

will meet again  some day

i’ve been known to

come down this road

maybe it’s destiny

and then again

maybe not, i don’t know

you had time

 

how can i go home

with nothing to say

i know you’re going to look at me that way

and say what did you do out there

and what did you decide

you said you needed time

and you had time

 

you are a china shop and i am a bull

you are really good food and i am full

i guess everything is timing

i guess everything’s been said

so i am coming home with an empty head

 

you’ll say did they love you or what

and i’ll say they love what i do

the only one who really loves me is you

and you’ll say girl did you kick some butt

and i’ll say i don’t really remember

but my fingers are sore

and my voice is too

 

you’ll say it’s really good to see you

you’ll say i missed you horribly

you’ll say let me carry that

give that to me

and you will take the heavy stuff

and you will drive the car

and i’ll look out the window and make jokes

about the way things are

 

how can i go home

with nothing to say

i know you’re going to look at me that way

and say what did you do out there

and what did you decide

you said you needed time

and you had time

buildings and bridges

 

buildings and bridges

are made to bend in the wind

to withstand the world

that’s what it takes

all that steel and stone

are no match for the air my friend

what doesn’t bend breaks

we are made to bleed

and scab and heal and bleed again

and turn every scar

into a joke

we are made to fight

and fuck and talk and fight again

and sit around and laugh

until we choke

i don’t know who you were expecting

probably some bitch

who does not budge

with eyes the size of snow

i may get pissed off sometimes

but you seem like the type

to hold a grudge

and in the end i just let it go

buildings and bridges

are made to bend in the wind

to withstand the world

that’s what it takes

all that steel and stone

are no match for the air my friend

what doesn’t bend breaks

coming up

 

our father who art in a penthouse

sits in his 37th floor suite

and swivels to gaze down

at the city he made me in

he allows me to stand and

solicit graffiti

until he needs the land i stand on

i in my darkened threshold

am pawing through my pockets

the receipts, the bus schedules

the urgent napkin poems

the matchbook phone numbers

all of which laundering has rendered

pulpy and strange

loose change and a key

ask me

go ahead, ask me if i care

i got the answer here

i wrote it down somewhere

i just gotta find it

 

somebody and their spray paint

got too close

somebody came on too heavy

now look at me made ugly

by the drooling letters

i was better off alone

ain’t that the way it is

they don’t know the first thing

but you don’t know that

til they take the first swing

my fingers are red

and swollen from the cold

i’m getting bold in my old age

so go ahead, try the door

it doesn’t matter anymore

i know the weak hearted

are strong willed

and we’re being kept alive

until we’re killed

he’s up there, the ice

is clinking in his glass

he sends me little pieces of paper

i don’t ask

i just empty my pockets and wait

it’s not fate

it’s just circumstance

i don’t fool myself with romance

i just live

phone number to phone number

dusting them against my thighs

in the warmth of my pockets

which whisper history

incessantly asking me

where were you?

i lower my eyes

wishing i could cry more

and care less, yes it's true

i was trying to love someone again

i was caught caring, bearing weight

but i love this city, this state

this country is too large

and whoever’s in charge up there

had better take the elevator down

and put more than change in our cup

or else we

are coming

up

cradle and all

 

14th street the garbage swirls like a cyclone

three-o-clock in the afternoon

and i am going home

f-train is full of high school students

so much shouting, so much laughter

last night's underwear

in my back pocket

sure sign of the morning after

 

take me home

take me home and leave me there

think i'm gonna cry, don't know why

think i'm gonna sing myself a lullaby

feel free to listen

feel free to stare

 

i live in new york, new york

city that never shuts up

in the daylight everything is so gory

you can hear snatches of stranger's sorry stories

i moved there from buffalo

but that's nothing

the trico plant moved to mexico

left my uncle standing out in the cold

said here's your last paycheck

have fun growing old

 

take me home

take me home and leave me there

think i'm gonna cry, don't know why

think i'm gonna sing myself a lullaby

feel free to listen

feel free to stare

 

rockaby baby

in the tree top

when the wind blows

the cradle will rock

when the bow breaks

the cradle will fall

and down will come baby

cradle and all

 

youth is beauty

money is beauty

hell, beauty is beauty sometimes

 

it's the luck of the draw

it's the natural law

it's a joke, it's a crime

i was bored

you were bored

it was a meeting of the minds

now it's three in the afternoon

and i can't leave too soon

saying, thank you i had a nice time

 

take me home

take me home and leave me there

think i'm gonna cry, don't know why

think i'm gonna sing myself a lullaby

feel free to listen

feel free to stare

 

rockaby baby

in the tree top

when the wind blows

the cradle will rock

when the bow breaks

the cradle will fall

and down will come baby

cradle and all

 

maybe i'll live my whole life

just getting by

maybe i'll be discovered

maybe i'll be colonized

you can try to train me like a pet

you can try to teach me to behave

but i'll tell you, if i haven't learned it yet

i ain't gonna sit

i ain’t gonna stay

 

take me home

take me home and leave me there

think i'm gonna cry

don't know why

think i'm gonna sing myself a lullaby

feel free to listen

feel free to stare

shy

 

the heat is so great

it plays tricks with the eye

turns the road into water

then from water to sky

there's a crack in the concrete floor

that starts at the sink

there's a bathroom in a gas station

and i've locked myself in it to think

 

back in the city

the sun bakes the trash on the curb

the men are pissing in doorways

and the rats are running in herds

i got a dream with your face in it

that scares me awake

i put too much on the table

now i got too much at stake

 

i might let you off easy

i might lead you on

i might wait for you to look for me

and then i might be gone

there's where i come from and

where i'm going

and i am lost in between

i might go out to that phone booth

and leave a veiled invitation

on your machine

 

you'll stop me won't you

if you've heard this one before

the one where i surprise you

by showing up at your front door

saying let's not ask what next

or how or why

i am leaving in the morning

so let's not be shy

 

the door opens

the room winces

the housekeeper comes in

without a warning

i squint at the muscular motel light

and say, hey, good morning

as she jumps her keys jingle

and she leaves as quickly

as she came in

i roll over and taste the pillow with my grin

 

the sheets are twisted and damp

the heat is so great

and i swear i can feel the mattress

sinking underneath your weight

sleep is like a fever

and i’m glad when it ends

the road flows like a river

it pulls me around every bend

 

stop me won’t you

if you’ve heard this one before

the one where i surprise you

by showing up at your front door

saying let’s not ask what’s next

or how or why

i’m leaving in the morning

let’s not be shy
 

32 flavors

 

squint your eyes and look closer

i'm not between you and your ambition

i am a poster girl with no poster

i am thirty-two flavors and then some

and i'm beyond your peripheral vision

so you might wanna turn your head

cuz some day you are going to get hungry

and eat most of the words you just said

 

both my parents taught me about good will

and i have done well by their names

just the kindness i've lavished on strangers

is more than i can explain

still there's many

who've turned out their porch lights

just so i would think they were not home

and hid in the dark of their windows

till i passed and left them alone

 

god help you if you are an ugly girl

course too pretty is also your doom

cuz everyone harbors a secret hatred

for the prettiest girl in the room

and god help you if you are a phoenix

and you dare to rise up from the ash

a thousand eyes will smoulder with jealousy

while you are just flying past

 

i never tried to give my life meaning

by demeaning you

and i would like to state for the record

i did everything that i could do

i’m not saying that i'm a saint

i just don't wanna live that way

i will never be a saint

but i will always say

 

squint your eyes and look closer

i'm not between you and your ambition

i am a poster girl with no poster

i am thirty-two flavors and then some

and i'm beyond your peripheral vision

so you might wanna turn your head

cuz some day you might find you are starving

and eating all of the words that you said

dilate

 

life used to be life-like

now it’s more like show biz

i wake up in the night

and i don’t know where the bathroom is

and i don’t know what town i’m in

or what sky i am under

and i wake up in the darkness and i

don’t have the will anymore to wonder

everyone has a skeleton

and a closet to keep it in

and you’re mine

every song has a you

a you that the singer sings to

and you’re it this time

baby, you’re it this time

 

when i need to wipe my face

i use the back of my hand

and i like to take up space

just because i can

and i use my dress

to wipe up my drink

i care less and less

what people think

and you are so lame

you always disappoint me

it’s kinda like our running joke

but it’s really not funny

i just want you to live up to

the image of you i create

i see you and i’m so unsatisfied

i see you and i dilate

 

so i'll walk the plank

and i'll jump with a smile

if i’m gonna go down

i’m gonna do it with style

and you won’t see me surrender

you won’t hear me confess

‘cuz you’ve left me with nothing

but i've worked with less

and i learn every room long enough

to make it to the door

and then i hear it click shut behind me

and every key works differently

i forget every time

and the forgetting defines me

that’s what defines me

 

when i say you sucked my brain out

the english translation

is i am in love with you

and it is no fun

but i don’t use words like love

‘cuz words like that don’t matter

but don’t look so offended

you know, you should be flattered

i wake up in the night

in some big hotel bed

my hands grope for the light

my hands grope for my head

the world is my oyster

the road is my home

and i know that i’m better

off alone

gravel

 

i heard the sound of your bike

as your wheels hit the gravel

then your engine in the driveway, cutting off

i pushed through the screen door

and i stood out on the porch

thinking fight fight fight at all costs

 

but instead i let you in

just like i’ve always done

i sat you down and offered you a beer

and across the kitchen table

i fired several rounds

but you were still sitting there when the smoke cleared

 

you came crawling back to say

that you want to make good in the end

oh, let me count the ways that i abhor you

you were never a good lay

and you were never a good friend

but oh, what can i say, i adore you

 

all i need is my leather

one t-shirt and two socks

i’ll keep my hands warm in your pockets

and you can use the engine block

we’ll ride out to california

with my arms around your chest

and i’ll pretend that this is real

cuz this is what i like best

 

you’ve been juggling two women

like a stupid circus clown

telling us both we are the one

and maybe you can keep me

from ever being happy

but you’re not going to stop me

from having fun

 

so let’s go, before i change my mind

i’ll leave the luggage of all your lies behind

cuz i am bigger than everything that came before

you were never very kind

and you let me way down every time

but oh, what can i say, i adore you

 

i heard the sound of your bike

as your wheels hit the gravel

then your engine in the driveway, cutting off

untouchable face

 

think i’m going for a walk now

i feel a little unsteady

don’t want nobody to follow me

'cept maybe you

i could make you happy, y' know

if you weren’t already

i could do a lot of things

and i do

 

tell you the truth i prefer

the worst of you

too bad you had to have a better half

she’s not really my type

but i think you two are forever

and i hate to say it

but you’re perfect together

 

so fuck you

and your untouchable face

and fuck you

for existing in the first place

who am i

that i should be vying for your touch

who am i

bet you can’t even tell me that much

 

two-thirty in the morning

and my gas tank will be empty soon

neon sign on the horizon

rubbing elbows with the moon

a safe haven of sleepless

where the deep fryer’s always on

and the radio is counting down

the top twenty country songs

and out on the porch the fly strip

is waving like a flag in the wind

y'know, i don’t look forward

to seeing you again

you’ll look like a photograph of yourself

taken from far far away

and i won’t know what to do

and i won’t know what to say

 

except fuck you

and your untouchable face

and fuck you

for existing in the first place

who am i

that i should be vying for your touch

who am i

bet you can’t even tell me that much

 

i see you and i'm so perplexed

what was i thinking

what will i think of next

where can i hide

in the back room there’s a lamp

that hangs over the pool table

and when the fan is on it swings

gently side to side

there’s a changing constellation

of balls as we are playing

i see orion and say nothing

the only thing i can think of saying

 

is fuck you

and your untouchable face

and fuck you

for existing in the first place

who am i

that i should be vying for your touch

who am i

bet you can’t even tell me that much

joyful girl

 

i do it for the joy it brings

because i'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing

and we owe each other the world

i do it because it’s the least i can do

i do it because i learned it from you

and i do it just because i want to

because i want to

 

everything i do is judged

and they mostly get it wrong

but oh well

'cuz the bathroom mirror has not budged

and the woman who lives there can tell

the truth from the stuff that they say

and she looks me in the eye

and says would you prefer the easy way

no, well o.k. then

don’t cry

 

i wonder if everything i do

i do instead

of something i want to do more

the question fills my head

i know there’s no grand plan here

this is just the way it goes

when everything else seems unclear

i guess at least i know

 

i do it for the joy it brings

because i'm a joyful girl

because the world owes me nothing

and we owe each other the world

i do it because it’s the least i can do

i do it because i learned it from you

and i do it just because i want to

because i want to

little plastic castle

 

in a coffee shop in a city

which is every coffee shop in every city

on a day which is every day

i picked up a magazine

which is every magazine

read a story, and then forgot it right away

 

they say goldfish have no memory

i guess their lives are much like mine

and the little plastic castle

is a surprise every time

and it’s hard to say if they’re happy

but they don’t seem much to mind

 

from the shape of your shaved head

i recognized your silhouette

as you walked out of the sun and sat down

and the sight of your sleepy smile

eclipsed all the other people

as they paused to sneer at the two girls

from out of town

 

i said, look at you this morning

you are, by far, the cutest

but be careful getting coffee

i think these people wanna shoot us

or maybe there’s some kinda local competition here

to see who can be the rudest

 

people talk

about my image

like i come in two dimensions

like lipstick is a sign of my declining mind

like what i happen to be wearing

the day that someone takes a picture

is my new statement for all of womankind

 

i wish they could see us now

in leather bras and rubber shorts

like some ridiculous new team uniform

for some ridiculous new sport

quick someone call the girl police

and file a report

 

in a coffee shop in a city

which is every coffee shop in every city

on a day which is every day

fuel

 

they were digging a new foundation in manhattan

and they discovered a slave cemetery there

may their souls rest easy now that lynching is frowned upon

and we’ve moved on to the electric chair

 

and i wonder who’s gonna be president

tweedle dumb or tweedle dumber?

and who’s gonna have the big

blockbuster box office

this summer

how ‘bout we put up a wall

between the houses and the highway

and then you can go your way

and i can go my way

 

except all the radios agree with all the tv’s

and the magazines agree with all the radios

and i keep hearing that same damn song

everywhere i go

maybe i should put a bucket over my head

and a marshmallow in each ear

and stumble around for another dumb numb week

for another hum drum hit song to appear

 

people used to make records

as in a record of an event

the event of people

playing music in a room

now everything is cross-marketing

it’s about sunglasses and shoes

or guns or drugs

you choose

 

we got it rehashed

we got it half-assed

we’re digging up all the graves

and we’re spitting on the past

and we can choose between the colors

of the lipstick on the whores

cuz we know the difference

between the font of twenty percent more

and the font of teriyaki

you tell me

how does it make you feel?

you tell me what’s real

 

they say that alcoholics are always alcoholics

even when they’re as dry as my lips for years

even when they’re stranded on a small desert island

with no place in two thousand miles to buy beer

and i wonder is he different

is he different

has he changed

what he’s about

or is he just a liar

with nothing to lie about

am i headed for the same brick wall

is there anything i can do

about anything at all

 

except go back to that corner in manhattan

and dig deeper

dig deeper this time

down beneath the impossible pain of our history

beneath unknown bones

beneath the bedrock of the mystery

beneath the sewage system and the path train

beneath the cobblestones and the water main

beneath the traffic of friendships and street deals

beneath the screeching of kamikaze cab wheels

beneath everything i can think of to think about

beneath it all

beneath all get out

beneath the good and the kind and the stupid and the cruel

there’s a fire that’s just waiting for fuel

as is

 

you can’t hide

behind social graces

so don’t try

to be all touchy feely

cuz you lie

in my face of all places

but i got no

problem with that really

 

what bugs me

is that you believe what you’re saying

what bothers me

is that you don’t know how you feel

what scares me

is that while you’re telling me stories

you actually

believe that they are real

 

i got no illusions about you

guess what

i never did

when i said

when i said i’ll take it

i meant

i meant as is

 

just give up

and admit you’re an asshole

you would be

in some good company

and i think you’d find

that your friends would forgive you

or maybe i

am just speaking for me

 

when i look around

i think this, this is good enough

and i try to laugh

at whatever life brings

cuz when i look down

i just miss all the good stuff

and when i look up

i just trip over things

 

i’ve got no illusions about you

guess what

i never did

when i say

when i say i’ll take it

i mean

i mean as is

napoleon

 

they told you your music

could reach millions

that the choice was up to you

and you told me they always

pay for lunch

and they believe in what i do

and i wonder

will you miss your old friends

once you’ve proven what you’re worth

yeah i wonder

when you’re a big star

will you miss the earth

 

i knew you would always want more

i knew you would never be done

‘cuz everyone is a fucking napoleon

yeah everyone is a fucking napoleon

 

and the next time

that i saw you

you were larger than life

you came and you conquered

you were doing alright

you had an army

of suits behind you

all you had to be was willing

and i said i still

make a pretty good living

but you must make a killing

a killing

 

i hope that you are happy

i hope at least you are having fun

‘cuz everyone is a fucking napoleon

yeah everyone is a fucking napoleon

 

now you think, so that is

the way it’s gonna be

that’s what this is all about

and i think that is

the way it always was

you chose not to notice until now

yeah now that there’s a problem

you call me up to confide

and you go on for over an hour

'bout each one that took you for a ride

 

and i guess that you dialed my number

‘cuz you thought for sure that i’d agree

and i say baby, you know i still love you

but how dare you complain to me

 

everyone is a fucking napoleon

yeah everyone is a fucking napoleon

shameless

 

i cannot name this

i cannot explain this

and i really don’t want to

just call me shameless

i can’t even slow this down

let alone stop this

and i keep looking around

but i cannot top this

 

if i had any sense

i guess i'd fear this

i guess i’d keep it down

so no one would hear this

i guess i’d shut my mouth

and rethink a minute

but i can’t shut it now

'cuz there’s something in it

 

we’re in a room without a door

and i am sure without a doubt

they’re gonna wanna know

how we got in here

and they’re gonna wanna know

how we plan to get out

we better have a good explanation

for all the fun that we had

'cuz they are coming for us, babe

and they are going to be mad

yeah they’re going to be mad at us

 

this is my skeleton

this is the skin it’s in

that is, according to light

and gravity

i'll take off my disguise

the mask you met me in

'cuz i got something

for you to see

just gimme your skeleton

give me the skin it’s in

yeah baby, this is you

according to me

i never avert my eyes

i never compromise

so never mind

the poetry

 

i gotta cover my butt 'cuz i covet

another man's wife

i gotta divide my emotions

into wrong and right

then i get to see how close i can get to it

without giving in

then i get to rub up against it

till i break the skin

rub up against it

till i break the skin

 

they’re gonna be mad at us

they’re gonna be mad at me and you

they’re gonna be mad at us

and all the things

we wanna do

 

just please don’t name this

please don’t explain this

just blame it all on me

say i was shameless

say i couldn’t slow it down

let alone stop it

and say you just hung around

'cuz you couldn’t top it